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20050726 : 8:05 PM
today was the dry run for the Leaders and Learners Conference. i thought it was just a freaking waste of time but honestly i dint have anything better to do anyway. so sue me. ok, anyway i am so seriously stressed. i read somewhere on someone's blog that the more you repeat something, the more someone will believe that. iamstressediamstressediamstressediamstressed. yeah right. i'm not even convincing myself. there's a geog test and i gotta face that blardy wongster AGAIN. i just can't stand her smug-pug face. oh yeah, there's a chinese test too. ah heck. ok, let's see: my mortal's burfday is tomorrow, and i haven't gotten him a single thing. i personally don't want to be accused of being a bad angel who isn't doing her job, so i guess i'll just hafta pop into 7-11 tomorrow morn and grab some chocolate. i don't give a damn even though he told me in his reply letter that when a person receives chocolates from somebody it means that somebody likes that person. *snorts* ok, on to gb. ever since i became sq leader things have totally changed around here. carina and sheryl have been like, really distant and now themore i think about it, the more fake they seem. like, what they're telling me isn't what they really wanna say. i'm really afraid that they might backstab me in future. i'm really not cut out for responsibility. i can't organize stuff, i have a short-term memory, i listen to what people say instead of telling people what to do, etc. i don't really want to be mean to Clarissa but it's like, Carina and Sheryl are totally against her. if i form an alliance with her things would not look good for me. so obviously i have to be nasty and apologize later. i really hate this hypocritical side of me. i am so GAWDAMN FAKE. why can't i say the things i want without being afraid of what others might think? is it really because of what happened to me in the past that changed me so drastically? gawd i don't want to relive those days of hell anymore.. even though i was still naiive and little back then i still can recall vividly what happened when i was in primaary school.. in that nightmare place.. sometimes i still wake up drenched in sweat from a dream of that place.. please no more. there was another really interesting talk from a pastor who was from coos. gawd i hated that place. full of posers and wannabes. but this tlak really triggered some gut emotion. it was about rejection. she talked about how people who were rejected i.e felt unwanted struggled with their feelings and actions. symptoms of a person who was rejected: [well as far as i can remember anyway] -tends to be rather violent -talks a lot to draw attention -covers up inner thoughts/feelings with a great deal of superficial talking and actions -vulgar at times -extreme in actions and thoughts -low self-esteem -tends to comment harshly on him/herself most of them -i felt- basically were pointing at me. then i realized i had been rejected -not in bgr terms- but in the past, when i was still in that horrorhouse. i hadn't realized it then, but those feelings took root and from then on i began to put myself down and always thought of others' opinions before my own. it's amazing how quickly this syndrome formed a place in me. now i cna't stop thinking about what i should do. i've always been telling myself "i can't do it". what should i do now? .. |
the round one.
Just your average human specimen wanting to be something more. Also has an absurd fondness for potatoes and shoes, among other things.
what i want.
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