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20050731 : 12:56 AM
leaving for the L&L in five minutes so i thought i pop in to make a quick update. first: Jermy is having a burfdae dinner tomorrow. being a bean, you'd think he'd invite his beanfamily, right? wrong. as far as i know, he invited Au, Pris, Jacq and her Fags. Finchan nor i have been invited. this is ridiculous. and to think we hunted all over bugis trying to find a burfdae prezzie for him and it turns out he was gonna keep this dinner from us. if it hadn't been for Au and Pris, who informed me, assuming that i had received a blardy invitation. which of course i hadn't. well you know what? HECK. i am sick and tired of being nice and pretentious and just hoping that people will like me for who i'm desperately masquerading. this isn't the real me, but nobody except me knows it. i wanna just scream and defy the world and blardy society and just scream WHY CAN'T I JUST BE ME??!! i'm tired of lying to everybody, tired of lying to myself, tired of trying to be the person everybody wants me to be which i'm so not. and somehow i feel that Au and i are drifting. i mean, us being in different classes, who wouldn't have expected it? but now the more i think of it the more questions i have. doubts. how on earth did i end up being so-called good friends with her? i mean, we don't exactly know each other that well, we don't exactly confide in each other, we don't exactly have the same tastes in everything. everytime she says something tactless i have this silent retort in the back of my head. and sometimes when she says something hurtful without meaning it i feel really pissed. but then i hoist that plastic smile on my face and pretend nothing's wrong. even Pris thinks i've gone haywire now, after that lil incident at Queensway yesterday. and i seem to be upsetting Finchan a hell lot more often. What on earth is wrong with me? i know. i'm just trying to express myself, but i don't know how. ever since that incident seven years ago, i can't pick up the pieces of my life and fit them back, no matter how hard i try. i just want to be me, so why is it so hard? |
the round one.
Just your average human specimen wanting to be something more. Also has an absurd fondness for potatoes and shoes, among other things.
what i want.
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