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20051124 : 10:31 PM
all my supervisors are so freaking nice. it's a pity they smoke though. gosh, i even saw an ashtray on wycin's table, and i thought she was like, perfect. i've been having disturbing dreams about that place. and those people. i don't wanna remember them or think about them, but they keep coming back. i think something happened to me back then, when i was too little to understand. but now i do. i think i was molested when i was 7 or 8. i remember her pushing me behind the blackboard and making me lie down with her. we would be enclosed in the small space and she would .. touch me. the others knew and they sometimes watched. she was the same age as me and the ringleader of everything. i used to collect stickers when i was small, and she would force me to trade all the best ones for whatever she had. she would assure me that hers were better, and that she was doing me a favor by trading with me, but deep down i knew she was lying. but i was so desperate for friends then that i just kept both eyes closed. she would make me swear that other friends i made were not as important as her. she would push me on the tire swing and spin until i nearly puke. she would swing me around like a merrygoround and she would suddenly let go and i would collide with the nearest wall/floor. the others never said anything, only jeered. at me. the poor pathetic girl who had to beg for friends. i never said anything to the teachers, because it would be like breaking some sort of sacred code. i was so deluded back then, i was ready to do anything they asked. they were all in the same school. once i was friendly with a boy. they forged letters from him to me and watched me as i happily read them. when i found out they could only shrug and say that it was just a joke. during field trips i was left partnerless, but when i had food to eat they would cluster around and say nice things. when my sis was there she was more welcome more popular than me. i never knew why i was shunned, and made to beg for friends, reduced to a miserable heap that they picked on. oh god it feels really hurtful to dredge all these from the past now. only now have i come to realize that i was the poor fool whom they felt mock sympathy and loathing for. i was too eager for attention, too eager for their friendship. i never paused to ask myself why they were worth it. i just assumed they were. but now i see that i was wrong. i wonder why i never said anything to my parents or fought for myself. i suppose it's because i was used to being obedient and accepting other people's orders. even now i am still terrified. i don't want history to repeat itself. i don't ever want to be hurt and trampled on and bullied. i am afraid of my friends. i'm dreading when one day they shall perhaps turn on me, and i will be left, alone, again, forever. even as i wear a mask on my face and say what people want to hear, i wonder who else is wearing a mask on their faces. the world is like a masquerade ball. |
the round one.
Just your average human specimen wanting to be something more. Also has an absurd fondness for potatoes and shoes, among other things.
what i want.
(these are clickable nudge nudge)bicycle!!!1! PLAYSTATION3 tv/HD screen for PS3 POP OP figures sutadora figure ps1 (not the console) 幸せ / きらめき / 自由 AMAZON WISHLIST html ref from dougnutcrazy |