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20050731 : 12:56 AM
leaving for the L&L in five minutes so i thought i pop in to make a quick update. first: Jermy is having a burfdae dinner tomorrow. being a bean, you'd think he'd invite his beanfamily, right? wrong. as far as i know, he invited Au, Pris, Jacq and her Fags. Finchan nor i have been invited. this is ridiculous. and to think we hunted all over bugis trying to find a burfdae prezzie for him and it turns out he was gonna keep this dinner from us. if it hadn't been for Au and Pris, who informed me, assuming that i had received a blardy invitation. which of course i hadn't. well you know what? HECK. i am sick and tired of being nice and pretentious and just hoping that people will like me for who i'm desperately masquerading. this isn't the real me, but nobody except me knows it. i wanna just scream and defy the world and blardy society and just scream WHY CAN'T I JUST BE ME??!! i'm tired of lying to everybody, tired of lying to myself, tired of trying to be the person everybody wants me to be which i'm so not. and somehow i feel that Au and i are drifting. i mean, us being in different classes, who wouldn't have expected it? but now the more i think of it the more questions i have. doubts. how on earth did i end up being so-called good friends with her? i mean, we don't exactly know each other that well, we don't exactly confide in each other, we don't exactly have the same tastes in everything. everytime she says something tactless i have this silent retort in the back of my head. and sometimes when she says something hurtful without meaning it i feel really pissed. but then i hoist that plastic smile on my face and pretend nothing's wrong. even Pris thinks i've gone haywire now, after that lil incident at Queensway yesterday. and i seem to be upsetting Finchan a hell lot more often. What on earth is wrong with me? i know. i'm just trying to express myself, but i don't know how. ever since that incident seven years ago, i can't pick up the pieces of my life and fit them back, no matter how hard i try. i just want to be me, so why is it so hard?
20050726 : 8:05 PM
today was the dry run for the Leaders and Learners Conference. i thought it was just a freaking waste of time but honestly i dint have anything better to do anyway. so sue me. ok, anyway i am so seriously stressed. i read somewhere on someone's blog that the more you repeat something, the more someone will believe that. iamstressediamstressediamstressediamstressed. yeah right. i'm not even convincing myself. there's a geog test and i gotta face that blardy wongster AGAIN. i just can't stand her smug-pug face. oh yeah, there's a chinese test too. ah heck. ok, let's see: my mortal's burfday is tomorrow, and i haven't gotten him a single thing. i personally don't want to be accused of being a bad angel who isn't doing her job, so i guess i'll just hafta pop into 7-11 tomorrow morn and grab some chocolate. i don't give a damn even though he told me in his reply letter that when a person receives chocolates from somebody it means that somebody likes that person. *snorts* ok, on to gb. ever since i became sq leader things have totally changed around here. carina and sheryl have been like, really distant and now themore i think about it, the more fake they seem. like, what they're telling me isn't what they really wanna say. i'm really afraid that they might backstab me in future. i'm really not cut out for responsibility. i can't organize stuff, i have a short-term memory, i listen to what people say instead of telling people what to do, etc. i don't really want to be mean to Clarissa but it's like, Carina and Sheryl are totally against her. if i form an alliance with her things would not look good for me. so obviously i have to be nasty and apologize later. i really hate this hypocritical side of me. i am so GAWDAMN FAKE. why can't i say the things i want without being afraid of what others might think? is it really because of what happened to me in the past that changed me so drastically? gawd i don't want to relive those days of hell anymore.. even though i was still naiive and little back then i still can recall vividly what happened when i was in primaary school.. in that nightmare place.. sometimes i still wake up drenched in sweat from a dream of that place.. please no more. there was another really interesting talk from a pastor who was from coos. gawd i hated that place. full of posers and wannabes. but this tlak really triggered some gut emotion. it was about rejection. she talked about how people who were rejected i.e felt unwanted struggled with their feelings and actions. symptoms of a person who was rejected: [well as far as i can remember anyway] -tends to be rather violent -talks a lot to draw attention -covers up inner thoughts/feelings with a great deal of superficial talking and actions -vulgar at times -extreme in actions and thoughts -low self-esteem -tends to comment harshly on him/herself most of them -i felt- basically were pointing at me. then i realized i had been rejected -not in bgr terms- but in the past, when i was still in that horrorhouse. i hadn't realized it then, but those feelings took root and from then on i began to put myself down and always thought of others' opinions before my own. it's amazing how quickly this syndrome formed a place in me. now i cna't stop thinking about what i should do. i've always been telling myself "i can't do it". what should i do now? ..
20050723 : 8:57 PM
i realized recently that christians were making a bit of a fuss about the harry potter issue. i'm a die-hard harry potter fan, and i have many christian friends, some whose parents strongly resent the fantastical tales of the Boy who Lived, as they believe that it is related to occult and magick practices, which is forbiddened by the Bible. now honestly i ask you: do anything that you read/watch in harry potter actually exist? no. just as it all spun out of jk rowling's great and vivid imagination, thus it can only exist in our imaginations. if you claim that harry potter is just a cover-up for more odious sinister witchcraft, are you then accusing jk rowling of practising witchcraft and covering up with this potter propaganda? i understand that some parents are concerned that their children might be influenced by the wondrous display of magic in harry potter and thus corrupt their poor innocent souls. once again i ask you: what we watch in the movies, what we read, are they purely fictional? of course they are. why else would you see harry potter in the fictional section and not the biography section? anyone with the slightest sense of logic would be able to tell that what we see in movies are all special effects. brilliant but fake. some may argue that it is not the special effects, but the concept. the concept of harry potter is the equivalent of santa claus. it is what you want to believe in that makes it real. if you are a true christian, may your faith never waver and continue to praise God. if you are so easily swayed by these make-believe stuff, do you seriously believe in God? The purpose of harry potter is not to influence people into practising withccraft. it is there to enrich our imaginations and wonder at the possiblities IF there had been such things. yes, of course, in obscure places, you do hear of arcane cults and the such. but once again, it is what you believe in that makes it real. if you believe there is santa claus, there will be santa claus. if you fear for your children, then explain to them the difference between reality and fantasy. gosh i sound like a spokesperson for harry potter. but all these are based on my humble opinion, so please don't take them into serious consideration.
20050719 : 12:20 PM
this is the first time i've seen Her so pissed. i'm serious. she just .. snapped. and all because i wanted to watch something on tv. but really, i dint say anything. she picked up the remote and turned the tv off, and the Brat was on her case immediately, yelling and begging for her to let us watch it. i guess the Brat got a bit carried away and overboard, 'cause away She whisked our handphones into deep oblivion. she even got so pissed that She refused to sleep in the same room as us and slept in the living room. and this morning she just yanked me straight up from bed. literally. tight-lipped and not saying a word. hustled me my breakfast and shoved me out the door without walking me down to the bus-stop. it was truly the frst time i had seen this colf white rage of Hers. to be honest, it scared me and made me depressed and angry at the same time. the adolescent part of me still wanted to just throw my arms around Her and ask for forgiveness, but the teenage part of me had her pride and would not hear of it. and of course, both parts were scared silly but this new frightening side of Her. i was questioning God in my heart as i stared unseeingly into the darkness: what happened to my family? what happened to my mother? was it just pms? or something more? something worse? why had She become so cold-heartedly distant, a mere imposing figure to gaze on from afar? where was the warmth? had it all dissipated into the wintry gust that swept through my house, leaving nothing but tears and hurt and anger in its wake? why had such a trivial matter destroyed the family i cherished so much? where was the mother i knew and loved? i want her back.. so badly.. please.. i feel so alone.. not being able to confide in anyone because i know the horrid truth about this world.. that there is absolutely no one i can trust.
20050716 : 9:17 PM
i am hopping and howling in frustration. darn Minitokyo. why can't they just accept my wallies?? it's not like i stole them from another site. i DID put in effort to make each wallie. so far, 3 have been deleted. what is it with them and their horrid standards? i've seen worse which don't get deleted!! i. am. so. freaking. pissed. it seems like lately i have nothing to do except to get pissed. *yawn* i woke up extra early today to go to school to paint the walls of a classroom which belongs to a teacher who is bias against me. why am i even doing that? you may ask. i have no idea. it's really hard for me to turn someone down if they ask me for a favor. i just don't want to be horrid. i guess i'm a bit of a people-pleaser. which is kinda expected, considering how things went in my past. Au borrowed heels from me for her RC Farewell, which is so cool. i can't believe they get to dress up and all. i am so envious. my com has a virus again. why do these sort of things always happen to me??
20050712 : 9:35 PM
i am so freaking pissed. how dare that idiotic prig arse Eric insult Zettai Kareshi!! all he did was happen to pick up the wrong book and flip it to the wrong chapter!! he completely misunderstood my character and just wrote me off as some common-class 'porn-freak'!! i will not condone this!! i am absolutely furious!! how dare he!! when practically half the girls in his class are going ga-ga over Night and Soshi!! even sensible Oneka has been drawn in as well. maybe that's why Zettai Kareshi is classified as shoujo. for. girls. not. for. boys. how can any guy even possibly hope to understand the beautiful hidden literacy behind Yuu Watase's works?? this is for girls. we have that inner gift of perceiving hidden meanings, and we know without being told. unlike the opposite bonehead moronic gender. just popped back from some really boring art exhibition at the museum. me and Finchan took off leaving that bunch of pretentious idiots behind and hopped to Bugis. strictly on school business. yeah right. oh by the world have i mentioned that Jermy seems to have the hots for Finchan? yes, that's right. i mean, he fits her list- smart, rich and good-looking?? well anyway ** likes her too. i caught him today in math leaning real close on Felicity on the pretext that he was looking at her paper. hah! Au got shiny pink braces which hurt like hell. i sure don't want to get a pair. i like my teeth just fine. and i just saw the most gorgeous stuff in The Wallet Shop in Bugis today. funny how it's called The Wallet Shop when it sells more than wallets. gosh i so hafta start saving soon. i've decided to keep my mouth shut from now on and not say more than neccessary. and be nice. and be a nerd. a nice quiet nerd.
20050708 : 9:12 PM
Pris came for gb today. what a lot of excitement there was. now things are really run differently in the brigade now. it feels kinda weird to have friends taking charge of activities like drill. oh yes, i SO can't believe that Jeffrey is the head of recreation. i mean, like HELLO?? that is the same dumbass who's always asking me to help him copy geography notes and he doesn't have a single strand of creative juice flowing in that gray lump. and guess who's his vice. Chyechye. gosh. i never thought they'd be able to handle such major stuff like recreation. and David Choo was in the committee leading the gb+bb devotions. my goosh. these guys really do have hidden talents. and a knack for sprouting. darn. guess i had better start jumping.
20050707 : 7:22 PM
had a chowdown with Au and Pris today. i'm feeling much better now, 'cause i think i kinda gotta know the stranger-that-is-Pris a little better now. i think it's kinda due to the fact that a long-distance relationship never does sustain strong enough. what sort of warped logic is that?? i've been watching waaaay too many soaps. ow. i think my throat's sore from too much curry intake. but HECK. that shop seems to sell the best anyway. and besides, the shopkeeper always lets me have a $2-bowl instead of the standard $3. yay. i love potatoes. ok, i admit. i'm guilty of skipping my first exco meeting to shop with Sakura for the BB farewell tomorrow. it's not that i'm soft on him or anything or trying to take him even though Xwan fancies him, but it's just i really don't feel good at exco meetings. like, hello?? Valentia and Janice are there and just about making me feel totally lousy. why do they have to be aprt of the Calendars?? it's like, totally trash. there are backstabbings within the clique, betrayals, i-hate-her-she-hates-me situations, etc. it's amazing how they can manage to keep their silly bimbotic facade on. and it's like, they're exuding this why-do-we-even-give-a-shit-about-this-we-want-the-other-calendars-to-be-in-the-exco-instead-of-you auras. makes me SICK. anyway me and Sakura had so much fun deciding what to buy for the BB. they get a $200 budget sponsored by the Company, can you believe that?? this world is so unfair. they are so lucky. but anyway it's all for some prizewinning thing, and they get fila bottles and bandanas and nike armbands and there was one lucky guy who got a nike bag. lucky ducks they all are. i'm totally writhing enviously. set my heart on a discounted deuter as well as a cool sling. if i could jsut figure oput how to save all my money back.. maybe bargaining could help.. hopefully.
20050706 : 5:03 PM
well, Pris came back today for school. i don't know if i'm feeling happy or sad. i mean, not that i'm sad or anything that she's back. i'm really really happy and excited and there's this warm fuzzy feeling that i never ever want to go away. but now it just seems different. i may be sitting next to her side by side, so close.. and yet, so far. i don't know how to explain it. it's just a weird vibe i get. and she seemed quieter. not so vibrant. me and oggie were laughing about how she must have missed our spunky presences, but somehow it seems there's more to that. we also got this weird feeling that she only obliged to our plans for outings and stuff. like she was politely interested and not as high or enthusiastic about it. like it was all merely obligations. maybe i'm just scaring myself. there's this really unreal feeling. i still can't believe she's here. i'm really scared. if this is a dream i never want to wake up. i don't want to find out that it was all a fantasy. this is totally surreal. but i feel like i'm in another world now. i think i'll just go and concentrate on that warm fuzzy feeling. |
the round one.
Just your average human specimen wanting to be something more. Also has an absurd fondness for potatoes and shoes, among other things.
what i want.
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