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20051126 : 3:48 PM
today marks the end of my internship at SPH. i feel kinda sad at leaving. :( i just knew goodbyes were hard. no one could really believe that this was the end of two weeks. i wish i could stay longer, but i got ta attend camp and it's really important because i need the badge. but Yan was positively gay. he swopped with WyCin, and he actually wanted the pink hearts that we had sewn for WyCin and Serene. like eew. maybe it's because he dint want the same as Robin, who also got a spongebobby star. WyCin actually preferred the star, which was ok because she was a girl and both items were actually quite gayish. ah well. leastways i get money. god yesterday was HORRID. i had to pose for a photo -unphotogenic me- because of Yan's digi story. and i wasn't posing alone. i was posing with another guy, who was in ST Branding / IN crowders -whatever that is- who happened to also have a Nano. this guy's name is Mark, and he's apparently a heartbreaker. or so i've heard from serene, who says that during ST Media Camp breaks the girls attending the camp would swarm him. he's like, half ang moh or something. looks abit like Sakura. attends some preppy private school called Montfred [?] and he's 17 and aspires to be a theatrist drama actor person. no, i dint ask him direct. we had lunch today with him and with Natalie and Mervyn [2 other ST Branding people who are around our age] and Yan and Serene at cafe Cartel at Junction 8. God i'm STUFFED. well anyway yeah we had to stand like BACK2BACK and hold out our Nanos and -get this, we were sharing the same pair of earphones [mine]. like total embarassment. Nat and Mervyn and Salsa were just standing off to the side grinning idiotically at us. i was shaking like 'a polaroid picture' [Felicity]. i just hope Salsa doesnt put the pics she took of us standing there like dumbos in the ppt. because if she does Felicity and the others are gonna go like 'kook you're 5-timing!' worse still, the photo's gonna come out in IN. and the entire school will read it. *gasps, imagines the total humiliation and wishes to crawl into a hole and rot*
20051124 : 10:31 PM
all my supervisors are so freaking nice. it's a pity they smoke though. gosh, i even saw an ashtray on wycin's table, and i thought she was like, perfect. i've been having disturbing dreams about that place. and those people. i don't wanna remember them or think about them, but they keep coming back. i think something happened to me back then, when i was too little to understand. but now i do. i think i was molested when i was 7 or 8. i remember her pushing me behind the blackboard and making me lie down with her. we would be enclosed in the small space and she would .. touch me. the others knew and they sometimes watched. she was the same age as me and the ringleader of everything. i used to collect stickers when i was small, and she would force me to trade all the best ones for whatever she had. she would assure me that hers were better, and that she was doing me a favor by trading with me, but deep down i knew she was lying. but i was so desperate for friends then that i just kept both eyes closed. she would make me swear that other friends i made were not as important as her. she would push me on the tire swing and spin until i nearly puke. she would swing me around like a merrygoround and she would suddenly let go and i would collide with the nearest wall/floor. the others never said anything, only jeered. at me. the poor pathetic girl who had to beg for friends. i never said anything to the teachers, because it would be like breaking some sort of sacred code. i was so deluded back then, i was ready to do anything they asked. they were all in the same school. once i was friendly with a boy. they forged letters from him to me and watched me as i happily read them. when i found out they could only shrug and say that it was just a joke. during field trips i was left partnerless, but when i had food to eat they would cluster around and say nice things. when my sis was there she was more welcome more popular than me. i never knew why i was shunned, and made to beg for friends, reduced to a miserable heap that they picked on. oh god it feels really hurtful to dredge all these from the past now. only now have i come to realize that i was the poor fool whom they felt mock sympathy and loathing for. i was too eager for attention, too eager for their friendship. i never paused to ask myself why they were worth it. i just assumed they were. but now i see that i was wrong. i wonder why i never said anything to my parents or fought for myself. i suppose it's because i was used to being obedient and accepting other people's orders. even now i am still terrified. i don't want history to repeat itself. i don't ever want to be hurt and trampled on and bullied. i am afraid of my friends. i'm dreading when one day they shall perhaps turn on me, and i will be left, alone, again, forever. even as i wear a mask on my face and say what people want to hear, i wonder who else is wearing a mask on their faces. the world is like a masquerade ball.
20051117 : 8:21 PM
for these 2 weeks i'm gonna be in SPH as an intern with ST. sounds so cool and pro, but the reality is far from it. my boss is the editor of LRD, and me and Salsa are stuck in the office all day trying to get the hang of a program Coyote and basically slacking and freezing and pigging out. and staring at the computer all day. we have only one com with net access between us and that's the only source of entertainment we get. don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to complain or anything. it IS a cool office, really huge, and the buildings are cool because it's like a maze, but half the time the office is 4/5 empty. pros: we get our own desks. we get cool workpasses that allows us access anywhere. yeah, it's all high security, so you gotta tap this card to get anywhere. we get to see how reporters write and get tips on journalism. cons: the cafeteria and toilets are freezing. the food sucks. there aren't decent snacks. we aren't actually doing any real reporting. we're just staring at the computer. Finchan, Au and Jermy are in TNP, and everytime i see them they're so hyped up and enthu about their work. like "oh we're going to court to see the guy who paid some teens to gouge his mistress' eyeballs out stand trial!" i can't help but feel a stab of jealousy to see them flaunting their fun. and recently a newcomer came. she's supposedly sec3 but she doesn't look sec3. she looks like 19. she's super irritating. i have no idea why, but i can't stand her. just can't. i know, Mean Girls reality check, but i still feel that way. i seriously hope me and Salsa get more cool assignments that will actually involve us going out. like stepping out of the building. but fat chance of that i guess. after all, our boss is the editor of LRD and there's no point in us going round unless there's some kiddys' event. i'm getting paid to get bored, how cool is that. |
the round one.
Just your average human specimen wanting to be something more. Also has an absurd fondness for potatoes and shoes, among other things.
what i want.
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