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20060330 : 8:37 PM
1.i think i've gone and made Char angry again. why again? well i can remember extremely reluctantly the time in chiangmai. there were happy crappy times, and there were horrid depressing times. there was one time Char felt sick, but insensitive me went and dumped rice on her plate with a cheerful 'you need to eat more!' she dumped it all right back with a shout. this time, i was once again thickheaded and dint process my words carefully before i regurgitated them. i think it was something to do with bread. you know how char's a breadbrain, hooked on bread and all. it was the morning of gb enrolment service, one of those pointless events where you stand around in a too-tight uniform and pinching boots. me and carina were joking about her bread and i'm not exactly sure what i said, maybe about the bread or the fact that she's rich enough to afford crystal jade bread or whatever but she got really pissed and ignored me the whole entire day. it was awful. luckily she managed to forgive my bluntness and we're currently on cordial speaking terms, but i can feel this undercurrent of fragility beneath it all. 2.we got our report books back. i scored l1r5 of 15, which wasn't too bad i guess, compared to most other people. poor Chrissy and Graceygummy got elected into the s2e programme, a damn waste of time if you ask me. 3. i get the feeling that Finchan's been off lately. she's been out of it, like lapsing into silence, and doing one of her silly "i'm fine" grins which clearly has "i'm not ok" written all over.i don't know what to say, what to do to comfort her. i don't know if it's just me being oversensitive again. i don't know if i've done something to offend her. i don't know.. whether i'll be able to find out. i hope we'll still be able to remain good, if not best, friends for the rest of the year at least, because i don't want any more bad things to tear us all apart anymore. maybe i am just being paranoid. [Asoka, wth is wrong??] 4. i had to go see the jjuniors today. for some reason, Pitty had his kiampah attitude that made me feel like marching right over and throttling him. i didn't say a single word to Pruney *snorts* and i don't care if she noticed. Nic was totally acting the leader today. for some reason i felt uneasy when he did. i should have been feeling relieved that he was taking charge, but somehow, no vibe there. Xwan and Finchan were plastered together the whole time, leaving me with the whole pack of 'em. not that they abandoned me, just that they had other duties. sometimes i watch them and i get kinda envious from the way they explicitly trust each other and confide in each other so often. and i get depressed knowing that no one will ever completely trust me, and neither will i ever completely trust anybody.
20060315 : 8:09 PM
i'm back from chiangmai! it was a school service-learning trip, and i am SO glad i went. aside from the fact that i got attacked by one of those daddylongleg-spider thingies, a cockroach went down my shirt, we got about two hours to shop in a HUGE mall, Char had to bunk with me because she could sense 'things' and she dint like what she was sensing on the top bunk, the kids weren't as friendly as before -so claims Shumei-, and our accomodation was one-star, everything else was fine. ok so sorry for sounding like such a whiny complainy pampered Singaporean teen. but honestly? we had a lot of fun overall. i made some new great friends, like Joshua Lim [finally got to know him and he's great at cracking deadpan jokes] Weijie [still doesn't have the counsellor face XP] Michelle [speed queen!] Aaron [speed mickey and really funny guy], Shumei [knew her when i was sec1 but never really talked], Pakkee [HRH] Nirma [really nice even though she's in charge of discpline] Laura [always thought she was quiet but she turned out to be a really cool punk drummer who's into Good Charlotte and Green Day] Lanz [the head counsellor! nice guy] Darren Sam [the guy that *** has a thing for! likes to act cool by wearing his sunglasses but admittedly he does look cool] so there we were this whole bunch just going nuts about the Desperate Mommas [a bunch of American volunteers who look as though they were raised on Mcd] and raving and crapping about. of course, there were the notsonice parts as well, like how Miss N flipped and we all felt so guilty. well i hoped all of us felt guilty. and there was of course unlovable hatable Vneck, who was practically tone-deaf and insisted on singing for the poor children. [i hope they receive therapy for the trauma] evil of me, but she honestly does have an overinflated ego, if you ask me. she was totally sticking with Argentina's gang, behaving absolutely thickskinned and really just making everyone else hate her. but i never knew Char could sense stuff like those. it's like one of those detectors. pretty cool to have around if you don't wanna have any.. sightings. you know what i mean. Char was really nice during the whole trip, being my sortof consultant/advisor/good friend, and totally sticking it through, even when i was behaving like such a prat brat sometimes. *smile smile grin grin* i think i really benefitted from this trip. if not i wouldn't have known how guilty i was of splurging and lying after seeing all those kids, and really feeling remorse. and of course, spending a week with people who became really cool friends. i think i have a new persepctive of people now. if i've learnt anything, it's this: appearance CAN be deceiving. and not just in a good way. Smei mentioned that she couldn't stand certain people in Argentina's gang because they were acting in front of her. like going all girly gaga in front of Chai [this painfully shy guy from CCOF] and other guys. she says she can't stand that crap. me, well, i don't know. i guess it can be kinda cruel leading people on like that. i am such a hypocrite. why do i always conform with other people's views instead of adhering to my own?? when people say something, i agree. when other people say something different, i also agree. why am i so spineless? why can't i stand by my views? but.. i think i know the answer to that. it's because i am afraid. that fear.. that won't go away. i'm so afraid of losing anyone.. losing friends.. losing friendship.. again. even though i know what happened to me wasn't true friendship and i was just being used, i can't ever feel the same again. i'm living in constant fear everyday, wondering if tomorrow someone will backstab me. wondering if i will accidentally betray someone and cause everyone else to turn against me. wondering if people hate me.. again.. i'm just so insecure.. it's all happening again and i can't stop it. someone please.. help me.
20060301 : 9:24 PM
i am having suicidal thoughts now. why is chemistry so traumatizing?! i think i'm going to take one look at the O level chemistry paper and drop dead. i can jsut see the headlines: Girl Drops Dead From Chemistry Shock *slaps self* what am i gonna do?? suddenly time seems so very short.. and too fast.. let's try to talk about happier times. i was just surfing round on Youtube and i watched a 3 min clip about South Park which positively left me hysterically laughing. i had no idea that crude cartoons could be so humorously vulgar. this particular one was about Santa and Jesus. then i watched several anime spoofs. some were tearjerking, some were monotonously lame, some were plain out funny. but i still wanna watch Battle Royal.. *whines* oh well it's like i'm just rambling on and on about irrelevant stuff. i don't know why, but lately i've been starting to feel.. stretched. i may not look it, but i can feel it inside. thinned out, like i've been pulled too many times. i guess it's the way everyone's behaving around me that's affecting me. i keep trying to give everyone my attention, when sometimes all i wanna do is just stare out the window as the bus trudges on the air-condition at full blast the upper deck empty it's when i can just think nothing. space. white. blank. oh well it may seem weird to some people but there are a lot of times i jsut want to go silent and thoughtful. but they'll all start to suspect that i'm upset or depressed and start prying. and since it's freaking easy for me to spill my guts out if they ask, i gotta pretend. the masquerade will never end. not for me. fake smiles and laughter.. who can tell? |
the round one.
Just your average human specimen wanting to be something more. Also has an absurd fondness for potatoes and shoes, among other things.
what i want.
(these are clickable nudge nudge)bicycle!!!1! PLAYSTATION3 tv/HD screen for PS3 POP OP figures sutadora figure ps1 (not the console) 幸せ / きらめき / 自由 AMAZON WISHLIST html ref from dougnutcrazy |