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20070514 : 12:39 AM
i've been really moody all weekend, and i don't think it's a good thing because it's affecting other parts of my life. tsk. i don't know why i'm moody though. i suppose it's a lot of things that have happened recently that has sent my mind reeling into the vast unknown. not that i've lost my sanity, mind. it's just that, well, over the week, stuff happened, and stuff got me thinking. seriously thinking deep, not shallow or superficial thoughts. people who read my DA will know what i'm talking about, but that's just part of it. i started thinking about death and dying again. ok that came out wrong. no, i didn't die once and start thinking about dying again, it's the "thinking again". after what happened in August, i don't think i'll be able to handle it if it comes again. yeah, that's how bloody fragile i am. i hate myself for being so weak. i hate myself for not being able to stand up to those who hurt me in the really distant past that i don't want to remember. i hate myself for thinking that the world was pretty enough and that people weren't really bad people. i hate myself for a great many reasons. shame, despair, angst. even the poxypeople could see the thunderstorm above my head. and i usually leave my sadness and worries and bad stuff at the door before i enter class, so i guess this time it's really bad. i'm not supposed to be like this! or so some people said. but they don't know, do they? about what happened in the past. i've told Tilda, so i think she'll know. she's one of the rare people in the world that i actually told her about.. that. not even my parents know, which is saying something i guess, since i don't usually keep something like that from my folks. speaking of which, i just realized that for the past whole week, i have not made intellectual conversation with them. in fact, for the past whole month. what an awful realization to see, that i have only responded with "mm", "ah", "yeah", "orh". i am slowly degenerating. is this what they call the communication gap? the age barrier? sometimes when my Da starts launching into his lectures, there's only 1 thought in my head, and it's "what do you know about my life?" i feel downright ashamed. *slaps self* ok ok, time to switch mode! tomorrow- no, actually i'm going to school in about 7 hours, gotta GENKI. SWITCH TO GENKI MODE. ps- HAPPY MOTHERS DAY. although, technically, MD is over, but heck. i got my mother a loverly Forever21 black lacy pullover. cost me a hole in my wallet, but i didn't feel any heartache. suprising. pps- thank you Tilda for the Beard Papa cream puff! *hug* ppps- my post no. happens to tally with the latest Bleach episode. how freaky is that. not very. |
the round one.
Just your average human specimen wanting to be something more. Also has an absurd fondness for potatoes and shoes, among other things.
what i want.
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