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20090412 : 4:27 PM
lengthy piece of jabber ahead, so don't read if you don't want to. i'm trying, but it's hard. sometimes i get too sensitive about things that people say, or i end up being totally oblivious to what was said. really said. finding the right words without coming off as being tactless or insensitive or insulting is another problem for me. i'm constantly worrying about little things like whether i'm boring others, or being mindless, or any other random crap that goes through my head. and i'm always getting upset over things, that may seem insignificant to others, but on the contrary it is a big deal to me. things like people telling me something they don't mean. maybe it isn't a big deal to them, but it is to me. i find that i really do mind now, especially when the action is something that i find now i've come to dislike. like smoking. i'm not discriminating against people who do it, but i would much rather them not do it. especially when it comes to people close to me. and they should know what i'm talking about. if they don't.. well then apparently they weren't as close as i thought they were. some people say that it's easy to see what i'm feeling because it shows on my face too easily. seeing how i'm feeling is one thing. seeing why i'm feeling like that is another thing. and i think the latter is more important.. and harder to read, if not nearly impossible. although there are the occasional people who hit the nail on the head [and just by reading my personal message alone], they were never the ones i had hoped who would come talk to me about it. so instead of waiting for people to guess what i'm feeling and why at every turn [which is just plain stupid and pointless], i try to tell them. face-to-face? only with the people i feel the most comfortable with. and that is a number of people i can count on one hand, of which includes unsurprisingly my sister. probably because we've endured 17 years together bitching and snapping at each other, we've seen just about any side of us there is to see. if it's a sensitive issue, or something i disagree about, or something about the other party that is becoming negative, it's hard for me to spit the words out. specially when i'm afraid of how the other person might react. most times though, it's easier than i think, i just nudge them a little and they get the point. some denser ones, on the other hand, want me to spell it out. which is torture for me. i know i have to get used to it though. if i'm not honest with my close friends about them and about myself, then i can't even be honest to anyone else. so i'm trying. i'm really trying. i like taking the bus home. it always gives me time to think about the events that conspired earlier. kind of detaches me so i don't feel so emotionally worked up [if i was]. it's also good when i'm sitting near the back with no one. halfway through the trip i realized my earphones were plugged in, but i didn't play anything. oh and thanks Ange for the company these past few days. seems like you and i aren't too busy for each other. :] |
the round one.
Just your average human specimen wanting to be something more. Also has an absurd fondness for potatoes and shoes, among other things.
what i want.
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